Ask Mars Venus & You really is your spot to be heard... use this space to mail me and I'll personally share with you my perspective on your situation, in conjunction with using the Mars Venus approach to bring out the best resolution for You.
Email me your questions and once a month I'll pick one and personally respond to it and post it on this page. Your privacy will always be protected.
If you echo my thoughts, or even completely disagree with them, please feel free to post your opinions in the comments box at the bottom each response. I really do believe sharing is a great way of learning so the more the merrier; I’d love to hear your thoughts!
How to fight?
Dear Mars Venus & You,
At least once a month my boyfriend "Tim" and I get into nasty fights that threaten our relationship. His way of solving these fights is to ignore me for days while he gets over the problem. Tim thinks that it helps him avoid saying mean things to me. Meanwhile I'm at home wondering how in the world he can ignore me for days at a time! What is your opinion on the right way to argue?
Confused in Cardiff
Dear Confused,
You feel ignored because you've already gotten over the anger hours or even days before he is ready to reconnect. However, he's right that he should avoid confrontation when he is too angry to discuss the issue without saying cruel, hurtful things. You won't always be able to avoid anger in a disagreement, however I always advise couples to consider the following, mutual "rules of engagement."
I hope these work for you, too:
1. Don't bring up an item of contention when either of you is already upset over something. Before speaking your mind, call a friend or take a walk around the block to cool off. By staying calm, cool, and collected, you have a better chance of being heard.
2. Just the facts, please sir (or miss). Stay away from blame, anger or hurt when presenting your case to someone with an opposing view. When the right time comes about, bring up the subject without blaming your partner.
3. After stating the problem, ask for your partner to come up help you find a compromise that works for both of you.
4. Allow your partner time to come up with the solution. This may take ten minutes, or perhaps a whole day.
5. To get something, you sometimes have to give a little. After you've made your point, consider making a concession that might allow your partner to save face: metaphorically speaking - there's no need to pour salt in an open emotional wound; and you'll always catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Remember, your partner is on your team. Together, you can come up with the winning solution.
With love,
Mars Venus & You
Your Comments
Nadia says:
Fantastic advice, thanks Kevin.
(although I somehow managed to delete my previous response to Danielle in the process of posting this, sorry Danielle!)
But back to your feedback Kevin, I *completely* agree that taking a time-out is sometimes the most loving thing you can do in a disagreement - and is a far, far better idea than letting the conversation spiral downwards into a tit-for-tat argument. If you recognise that the conversation is going no-where and you decide to step away, it's also great to let the other person know what you're doing and why; ie - 'I'm sorry that I don't feel we're getting anywhere right now and I can feel myself getting frustrated so I'm going to take time out from this. I love you and hope we can discuss it later' - this doesn't always mean the other person will go 'great' - but it will at the very least lessen the likelihood of them feeling abandoned and/or rejected, thus reacting further to your departure.
I also completely agree that when you return to the conversation, try, try, try to stay away from blame statements - it's one of the most common things that happens when we fight, and only re-ignites that tit-for-tat you were trying to avoid. Also, be aware of how you react to what the other person is saying - are you en-garde and being defensive or are you genuinely listening to, and considering what your sweetheart is saying?
All in all some great tips - thank you for sharing! :)
Monday, July 25th, 2011
Kevin says:
Tim wants to avoid saying "nasty" things to you. You could see that as him "ignoring" you, or you could see that as a demonstration of his love for you. How you choose to see it a) is in your control, and b) will radically shift your experience of what's happening. After all, if he just went ahead and said those nasty things, surely that would be worse and would simply escalate the situation. As well as shifting to a more empowering perspective in this way, you can of course also let him know that you feel ignored when he behaves in that way. The key, key, key thing here is to let him know your experience WITHOUT blaming him for it. If it comes across as a complaint of course he's likely to experience it as an attack. Whereas when you're benuinely coming from, "You know what, I realise that when you go quiet after our arguments you're actually trying to protect me and our relationship, rather than escalate things, and I appreciate that, AND at the same time I also find it hard because I feel like I'm being ignored," then you are creating an open, blame-free communication which can only be good for both of you.
Monday, July 25th, 2011
Danielle says:
Nice advice! You might also consider writing a letter to your boyfriend while he's avoiding you. It gives you an outlet for your feelings while you're waiting for him to calm down. Even if you decide not to give him the letter you'll be more focused and have a better idea of what you want to say when you eventually speak face to face again.
Monday, April 19th, 2010